The Adventures of 'Happy the Cashier': A couple of Dos and Don'ts , courtesy of SuchandSuch Incorporated

Hello again! It's me, Happy the Cashier!
Today, I would like to give everyone a little lesson in store etiquette. When I was growing up, my mother forced me to read the book, 'Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior'. I thought it was super cool, but I'm a total bookworm, so I also think the dictionary is rad.

But that's neither here nor there. My point is that in Miss Manners' delightful tome, I don't believe there's a true section devoted specifically to store etiquette. Never fear, Happy is here! And, if you'll permit me, I'm ready to give the world some cashier-ly advice that I've gained in my time working for SuchandSuch, and have gathered from other retail/customer service workers who never shut up about their problems. It's true, we really just don't shut up when we're alone.

To make it simple, I'll turn this into a list. I, for one, hate typing out paragraphs when we could just get straight to the point. That being said, here we go!

Dear Customers,

Please do not:

Get angry when cashiers don't put in their 10-30% discount card for you (You should bring your own).
Or when they don't accept your expired coupons.
Or when they do accept expired coupons, but have to punch in a number themselves, and deign to give you half the amount so their managers don't get mad.
Give the cashiers rolls of change. The number one complaint I hear from other people behind the counter? "We're not a bank." The sad part? They're right. We're really not supposed to change rolls of quarters for a ten dollar bill. We get in trouble.
Void out a transaction because you forgot your card in the car. Make sure you have it with you ahead of time. We cashiers get in a ton of trouble for doing a lot of voids during the day. Loss Prevention writes us up for it.
Same with prices verifies. Almost every store (almost) has a price scanner, which is seriously just easier to use.
Leave the items wherever you please all over the store. Remember: somebody has to clean up your mess, and making our jobs harder isn't very nice. Believe it or not, it's not actually in my job description to clean the store.
Oh, and please stop letting your kids push the items to the back of the shelves. Did you ever notice that when you come in, everything is nice, organized, and pulled to the front so that people can see all the merchandise? That's not as easy when your four year old is running around knocking over toothpaste.
For the love of all that is good and holy, please, please, please don't leave the counter in the middle of a transaction. I guarantee you that someone will come in and will have to wait for you to get whatever it is you need. It's not a sin to do two transactions. People do it all the time.
Also, try to refrain from doing multiple transactions all the time, especially if three people are in line behind you.

Whew! That was tough! But just to show that I'm not picking on all you lovely consumers out there, I have a bone to pick with some of my fellow customer service associates.

Dear other cashiers:

Please do not:

Smack gum while ringing people out. Swallow it, spit it out, hold it to the roof of your mouth -- I don't care, just don't *smack* chew *smack* it *pop* While you're *bubble...pop!* ringing.
Roll your eyes at the other cashier when a customer gives you a hard time. I know they can be annoying and demanding (see previous list), but we all see you giving the "Can you believe this bitch" face to Sally over there at the other register. We're not blind; we see you, and it's offensive.
Not laugh at customer's lame jokes. Even if it's one you've heard a million times, we have to make the effort when they do.
Snap at little kids for misbehaving. You aren't their parents; you don't have license to scold them, let alone be rude. They're kids, and they're bound to misbehave.
Swear on the job. What do you think this is, Rude Rick's? I can actually feel my jaw drop the moment an F-Bomb comes out of your mouth.
Complain about previous customers, and certainly not the job itself. No one wants to hear about our bad days, trust me. If you're going to whine and groan about some old couponer who got mad because she couldn't save thirty cents on tissues, do it when no one is at the register.